I'm gaining weight and I hate it. What to do, what to do. I heard a friend of mine (names not mentioned) is bulimic. It sounds scary, the results are nice, and you can eat whatever you'd like. Not to say I have guts to resort to such behavior and of course I do understand the adverse effects but the temptation exists... in some corner of my mind..... I think so at least.

I had this whole long stupid entry about everything! It's gone. Stupid LIVEJOURAL!

Everything is finally better. *sigh*

We talked last night... I guess sometimes I fail to realize what his life is really like. Having to support yourself, working as Mr. Vice President of a Department of the bank at age 20, having to go to school full-time and then having a girl on your side who wants everything and wants to do everything... lol I'd say I'm a full-time job all by myself and to think he has all of that going on as well. I'm sorry. That's all I have to say. Sorry for being such an ass... anyways...

I'm going to go to school in a bit and just do some work. I feel like an ass. Like I have done nothing this weekend at all when I really actually did more this weekend in terms of school work than I have done on for a very long time [during a weekend that is]. I still feel like I haven't accomplished ANYTHING and it's pissing me off. Where did this drive come from? Beats me! But I guess I shouldn't be complaining should I?

Kim came over on Friday and Saturday, we were studying together. My brother came downstairs and was like, "Studying? Is that all you two ever do together?" Whatever lol

About Valentines day!! Okay well he sent beautiful flowers from 1-800-FLOWERS to my school for me. Surprise! Surprise! lol Then I begged him to come and see me and just not go to his final two classes of the day. It stink because Tuesday's are his long days and V-day landed on a Tuesday. I told him [of course] it was okay, we didn't have to see eachother etc etc but what girl really means that? Not me! lol So I begged him and he took the train from the city into Queens and I picked him up from around the area. We went to Applebees and then just spent some time together just enjoying one anothers company. It was relaxing and nice to actually be with him. I didn't want to be apart, esp. not on our first Valentines. Anyways, I personally am not the "Woohoo it's Valentines Day" type. I don't anticipate it, I don't really care for it much... it's whatever to me. But this was my first nice one, aside from the fact that I was sick. Once again though I had no chocolate lol... well no Kim bought me Lindt truffles. But still, Valentines Day us my type of holiday! Chocolate everywhere!! And me, I went without... so blah to him! lol It's okay thought bc he spent TOO much on the flowers and I told him never to do that again. lol I'd rather have him take the money and have us go out to eat. Money doesn't grow on trees and $50.00 is too much to be spending on something that is going to die and get thrown away within a week. But it was the first time I recieved flowers like that. When I was younger we always gave our friends chocolate and my guy friends would get me roses, and then the herb who liked you got you a rose too... but it was all meaningless. [no offense to them] I don't know, all I'm trying to say is this time it was different and I love him for it!

Okay guess what? I'm looking of Friendster at this guy I know and the pics of him and his girl! What do I see? Dude took her for a helicopter ride over NYC for Valentines and he rented out some supposedly hott car [which didn't look so hott me] to take her around in. I'm not jealous, I know that Asim will do more fun things for me as years go on and we are more established and what not. The thing that god me was she wrote soemthing about him taking her for a helicopter ride and then she goes, "What did YOU do?" That is so spoiled and "in your face." Ugh! brat! I told Asim, not with the intentions of tryign to make him jealous [as some girls would do] but just kinda like "Woah, can ya believe it?" They have only been together for 1 year. That's pretty sweet. Supposedly this guy also takes her to like 5 star hotels etc etc.  Anyways, one day I'll get my turn and I'm so happy I have a creative guy that I can actually say will do crazy things with and for me 10x better that... I'd feel like crap if I knew I could/would never have it... but one day I will =)

I'm not even sure exaclty where to begin. I feel like he doesn't understand me... I feel like we were so different but now the way he has been reacting is so typical. I always regarded him higher than anyone I have ever met, lately I'm not sure how I feel. I feel like I'm at this point where I have been with other guys. Where I wait for that phone call that's going to make things all better, but I don't get it. I feel like I wait for those words, but they never get said. I don't know what has gotten over him, what is making him act this way but I absolutely hate it. I'm not saying I am perfect, I am far from that but right now I'm focusing on how he has been. I mean the whole day today the only time we spoke is when I called him. I know this scenario all too well. I don't believe it was bc he was busy. Calling me on your break at work isn't hard to do. Calling me on your way to dinner, on your way home from dinner, calling me for one minute just for my sanity. Is that so hard? Doesn't he know me well enough by now to know that I can't stand tension between the two of us. It is so distracting to me. It makes going baout my daily routines so difficult. Doesn't he know that its 9:20 p.m. at night and he told me he would call me at 7:00 p.m. and I'm the type who sits there with the phone in her hand just waiting for it to ring so I can pick up and make things better. I feel like he isn't the same. I feel like things aren't the same. I was looking through old emails we would write eachother about how much we missed eachother and how we couldn't wait to see one another again. I was thinking about all the times we shared... everything and just how come things have been so hard lately. Especially after today, I really feel the difference. I feel like I used to feel, dialing numbers only getting voicemails... no answers. Hunting him down. This is something I had to do in the past... not with him. His excuse will be that it's a busy day, my response, bullshit. I'll never be too busy to call him for one second, just during dinner step out to go to the bathroom and just call to say "I will talk to you soon and don't worry everything will be fine." Before he did even do that for me. We both have done that. Now it's like he is pushing himself away from me. That's how I feel... as if he doesn't want it. Maybe it's just a phase... maybe I just need to relax... but how can you relax when things are so upside down? What can I say? I don't even know. I feel sick. I'm just tired... I want to sleep and forget about all of this. I bet he doesn't even know how hurt I am. It sucks even more because in all this time he has never hurt/disappointed me this much. I don't understand... I feel so helpless, once again.

I am so friggin' bored! UGH! I swear I hate this. I got out of school before 2:00. Friday's suck because Asim never comes to hang out with me anymore and Kim is always upt to something herself [work or something] and I hate it. I jsut come home and waste the day. I'm so lazy to study and mind you, who the heck wants to even pick up a book on a Friday? Especially on a 3 day weekend. Uff. Whatever. He said he would come, then he changed his mind because he was tired. That's fine, if you dont want to come just tell me from the begining don't tell me like 2 hours prior or 3 hours prior when I did my hair the way you like it, I tried to look a little nicer, I actually put on some makeup, and I'm anticipating seeing you. That's all I have to say. He told me not to be something... I forget the word because I saw him already 4 days this week. Mind you everyday we studied besides Valentines day, that day we ate + napped. Anyways the point is my Fridays suck, Saturday is supposed to be study day for me not chill day... I wish he knew that SO maybe he'd feel motivated tos ee me on Fridays. Didn't he said he made his schedule this way so we could chill on fridays? I have yet to see him come and chill with me on a Friday. I'd rather see him on a Friday than on a Thursday or a Wednesday where all I have to do is study so then maybe he wont be tired. Whatever. I wish I had more friends. My life is so fuckin' boring. It's 3:00 p.m. and I have nothing to do and nobody  to chill with. Kim is busy and wants to study, I said we can study together, she didn't seem interested. Ehh whatever. I think I will go out alone which I have become very much so accustomed to doing.... I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT!

I know I have a tendency to overreact. I can't help it. Well actually maybe I can it's just that I let my frustration or anger get the best of me. That kinda sorta did heppen today... I'm so fed up with all of the drama. It's not even drama. It doesn't even HAVE to be this way. But it is. It's like I sit abck and try and talk out 101 ways to make things better, but I feel like it's all talk. Nothing gets done. I hate to rant and rave about my personal issues, especially ones like this but I just cant help it. Why? B/c I'm upset. B/c I don't understand... b/c I feel like things aren't completely the same. I wish that I could thank you 100,000,000 times, that I could do 2x for you that of which you have done for me. I wish I could shine light to your life, the same way you've shinned it on mine, I hope to be the person for you that you have been for me. Although I trurly feel I can never live up to that standard, maybe one day I will.

It's like I've lived my life never allowing anyone to belittle me. Or at least trying not to let their words get the best of me. Now here is someone who means no harm slipping up and I feel like my heart has been torn out, stepped all over, spit on and just left to the side. Funny isn't it? How you become so vaulnerable that things which are emant to do no harm, do actaully harm you, and words even joking words make you sad when they weren't even meant to. The world is a funny place. I don't quite understand... anything. I don't know what to expect anymore, I don't know what to anticipate, how can something so beautiful ever go wrong? I hope it can't. I don't doubt other peoples abilities and devotion, but sometimes I get scared. No wait, a lot of times. It's just how I am. Sensitive, way too sensitive. I don't even know exactly where I am going with this. I just want to feel okay. I want things to be okay. I want this person to know that I am here and to forgive me for all of my wrongs, I promise to try and become a better person. Forgive me and just let it go... that's all I want.

I'm in the midst of changing my username. If you care to be added let me know. This is will be a *friends*only* journal. I dont feel like going back and changing all these entries.

I just need change... guess this is a good way to start.

So school ended at 5:00. It was a longgg day for me. 8-5 (with a 45 minute lunch break in between). Damnn homie. I thought the day was never going to end. In all realness. After school Asim picked me up and we went to eat at Applebees. He was especially happy. For whatever reason appetizers were 1/2 off. lol Who doesn't love a good discount? We are the couple that especially does (him moreso than me, sikkeee I love saving $ to but I think he is much more eager about it jk jk). I love him. It was okay... I guess we just brought up some old topics today I jsut hate to reflect on so I was pretty upset about that. I just get really sensitive because I mean trust me I have done my share of wrong in my past. Things I do regret, especially now that I have really found someone I love with all of my heart and now I have to sit here and recap. I hate that! But whatever, that got me sad... anyways I dont wanna talk about it. I'll update another time.

Valentines Day will be on a Tuesday which means Asim will be in school all day long. Whatever. It's always been a stupid holiday [aside from the fact that my sisters birthday lands on it].

I've been feeling pretty good about things. Isn't that funny. Im usually so CrAzY and I guess change isn't something I adapt well too but this time I'm feeling much more better + more independent. Like I don't need people. It's a good feeling to be able to just rely on yourself [and those who love you] for happiness and not fee like turning to people who don't necessarily care. It's good to know that I have finally found my own happiness within myself and the only person I feel like I need to keep happy is me. I'm so proud of myself. This time it is different. Definitely not like before. I'm just doing my thing living my life, anyone who wants to hop on for the ride feel free too but if you don't that's cool too. I'm satisifed. Okay I'm out. I will update later. Just happy to say I'm finally content after all that b.s.

First off I'm going to apologize for the last few days. I know I have been seeming very steamed and crazy and that I completely am. I've just had some rough times but now they are gone so let's move right along.

Oh question, how do I filter out certain people?

Plus I'm thinking that I'm going to filter & friends only a lot of my upcoming entries. Time for juicy stuff? Not quite sure but I think it's best if I do so. Can anyone tell me how to filter people out? Still some entries will be kept public but I just think I should go back to keeping my info on the low low [hehe].

Alright so today was much better than the past several days [thank you god]. Oh except for the fact that some ass in a jeep almost rammed his big self into my tiny car =( Seriously. Dude had his signal on so I'm thinking he is turning right and so I can turn right and get onto the main road. No, his signal was just on for decoration because as I'm making the turn and I look left to make sure no one is going to ram into me I see his big jeep in my face. My mouth drops down. I see him swing his arms. Well h-e-l-l-o there buddy, signals aren't there to just play with and turn on and off because you like the site of blinking lights. They have a purpose. Either use them for what they are good for or give me your lisence and let me cut it into pieces with a scissor. Sweet aren't I? Well I have reason to be this sarcastic. When I saw his fat jeep in my face my jaw dropped to the floor. I thought I was going to die. I then proceeded to pull over and call Asim to tell him. I needed someone to hear what just happend otherwise I know I'd analyze it and not get over it until I got home. Things like that freak me out and have me shook so I usually proceed in calling Asim so he can actually calm me down. Yep. That's the process.

On another note I'm procrastinating right now when I need to be reading up on Lyme Disease, Parasitic Infections, Pertussis and Toxic Shock Syndrome and a bunch of other crap. Blah! Me and this girl Maggie decided that during lunch every day we are going to review notes. I think tomorrow after school I'm going to ask her if she wants to stay back for a little bit [if I'm in the mood] and just go through some packets. Oh man, I really need some help on pharmacology. Like a good pharmacology review book of some sort. I'm so bad at pharm =( and I only have a few months till I'm on rotations at the hospitals. I don't have a lot of time left. Ugh.

Friday I have a hospital visit. I don't feel like it. It's like right when I get back I have an exam. Last time this happend I performed poorly on my exam because I was just too tired. I have to get a head start on my work so I can be done by Wednesday. Ahhhhhh! Everything is just piling up! Joy. Okay let me go and begin... laterrrr