Spread your wings and prepare to fly

Sun, 07 May 2006 20:38:04 GMT

I'm gaining weight and I hate it. What to do, what to do. I heard a friend of mine (names not mentioned) is bulimic. It sounds scary, the results are nice, and you can eat whatever you'd like. Not to say I have guts to resort to such behavior and of course I do understand the adverse effects but the temptation exists... in some corner of my mind..... I think so at least.

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 15:11:58 GMT

I had this whole long stupid entry about everything! It's gone. Stupid LIVEJOURAL!

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 15:44:08 GMT

Everything is finally better. *sigh*

We talked last night... I guess sometimes I fail to realize what his life is really like. Having to support yourself, working as Mr. Vice President of a Department of the bank at age 20, having to go to school full-time and then having a girl on your side who wants everything and wants to do everything... lol I'd say I'm a full-time job all by myself and to think he has all of that going on as well. I'm sorry. That's all I have to say. Sorry for being such an ass... anyways...

I'm going to go to school in a bit and just do some work. I feel like an ass. Like I have done nothing this weekend at all when I really actually did more this weekend in terms of school work than I have done on for a very long time [during a weekend that is]. I still feel like I haven't accomplished ANYTHING and it's pissing me off. Where did this drive come from? Beats me! But I guess I shouldn't be complaining should I?

Kim came over on Friday and Saturday, we were studying together. My brother came downstairs and was like, "Studying? Is that all you two ever do together?" Whatever lol

About Valentines day!! Okay well he sent beautiful flowers from 1-800-FLOWERS to my school for me. Surprise! Surprise! lol Then I begged him to come and see me and just not go to his final two classes of the day. It stink because Tuesday's are his long days and V-day landed on a Tuesday. I told him [of course] it was okay, we didn't have to see eachother etc etc but what girl really means that? Not me! lol So I begged him and he took the train from the city into Queens and I picked him up from around the area. We went to Applebees and then just spent some time together just enjoying one anothers company. It was relaxing and nice to actually be with him. I didn't want to be apart, esp. not on our first Valentines. Anyways, I personally am not the "Woohoo it's Valentines Day" type. I don't anticipate it, I don't really care for it much... it's whatever to me. But this was my first nice one, aside from the fact that I was sick. Once again though I had no chocolate lol... well no Kim bought me Lindt truffles. But still, Valentines Day us my type of holiday! Chocolate everywhere!! And me, I went without... so blah to him! lol It's okay thought bc he spent TOO much on the flowers and I told him never to do that again. lol I'd rather have him take the money and have us go out to eat. Money doesn't grow on trees and $50.00 is too much to be spending on something that is going to die and get thrown away within a week. But it was the first time I recieved flowers like that. When I was younger we always gave our friends chocolate and my guy friends would get me roses, and then the herb who liked you got you a rose too... but it was all meaningless. [no offense to them] I don't know, all I'm trying to say is this time it was different and I love him for it!

Okay guess what? I'm looking of Friendster at this guy I know and the pics of him and his girl! What do I see? Dude took her for a helicopter ride over NYC for Valentines and he rented out some supposedly hott car [which didn't look so hott me] to take her around in. I'm not jealous, I know that Asim will do more fun things for me as years go on and we are more established and what not. The thing that god me was she wrote soemthing about him taking her for a helicopter ride and then she goes, "What did YOU do?" That is so spoiled and "in your face." Ugh! brat! I told Asim, not with the intentions of tryign to make him jealous [as some girls would do] but just kinda like "Woah, can ya believe it?" They have only been together for 1 year. That's pretty sweet. Supposedly this guy also takes her to like 5 star hotels etc etc. Anyways, one day I'll get my turn and I'm so happy I have a creative guy that I can actually say will do crazy things with and for me 10x better that... I'd feel like crap if I knew I could/would never have it... but one day I will =)

Helpless, hopeless... and whatever other synonymn you can think of...

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 02:20:23 GMT

I'm not even sure exaclty where to begin. I feel like he doesn't understand me... I feel like we were so different but now the way he has been reacting is so typical. I always regarded him higher than anyone I have ever met, lately I'm not sure how I feel. I feel like I'm at this point where I have been with other guys. Where I wait for that phone call that's going to make things all better, but I don't get it. I feel like I wait for those words, but they never get said. I don't know what has gotten over him, what is making him act this way but I absolutely hate it. I'm not saying I am perfect, I am far from that but right now I'm focusing on how he has been. I mean the whole day today the only time we spoke is when I called him. I know this scenario all too well. I don't believe it was bc he was busy. Calling me on your break at work isn't hard to do. Calling me on your way to dinner, on your way home from dinner, calling me for one minute just for my sanity. Is that so hard? Doesn't he know me well enough by now to know that I can't stand tension between the two of us. It is so distracting to me. It makes going baout my daily routines so difficult. Doesn't he know that its 9:20 p.m. at night and he told me he would call me at 7:00 p.m. and I'm the type who sits there with the phone in her hand just waiting for it to ring so I can pick up and make things better. I feel like he isn't the same. I feel like things aren't the same. I was looking through old emails we would write eachother about how much we missed eachother and how we couldn't wait to see one another again. I was thinking about all the times we shared... everything and just how come things have been so hard lately. Especially after today, I really feel the difference. I feel like I used to feel, dialing numbers only getting voicemails... no answers. Hunting him down. This is something I had to do in the past... not with him. His excuse will be that it's a busy day, my response, bullshit. I'll never be too busy to call him for one second, just during dinner step out to go to the bathroom and just call to say "I will talk to you soon and don't worry everything will be fine." Before he did even do that for me. We both have done that. Now it's like he is pushing himself away from me. That's how I feel... as if he doesn't want it. Maybe it's just a phase... maybe I just need to relax... but how can you relax when things are so upside down? What can I say? I don't even know. I feel sick. I'm just tired... I want to sleep and forget about all of this. I bet he doesn't even know how hurt I am. It sucks even more because in all this time he has never hurt/disappointed me this much. I don't understand... I feel so helpless, once again.

Bored out of my mind!

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 19:55:35 GMT

I am so friggin' bored! UGH! I swear I hate this. I got out of school before 2:00. Friday's suck because Asim never comes to hang out with me anymore and Kim is always upt to something herself [work or something] and I hate it. I jsut come home and waste the day. I'm so lazy to study and mind you, who the heck wants to even pick up a book on a Friday? Especially on a 3 day weekend. Uff. Whatever. He said he would come, then he changed his mind because he was tired. That's fine, if you dont want to come just tell me from the begining don't tell me like 2 hours prior or 3 hours prior when I did my hair the way you like it, I tried to look a little nicer, I actually put on some makeup, and I'm anticipating seeing you. That's all I have to say. He told me not to be something... I forget the word because I saw him already 4 days this week. Mind you everyday we studied besides Valentines day, that day we ate + napped. Anyways the point is my Fridays suck, Saturday is supposed to be study day for me not chill day... I wish he knew that SO maybe he'd feel motivated tos ee me on Fridays. Didn't he said he made his schedule this way so we could chill on fridays? I have yet to see him come and chill with me on a Friday. I'd rather see him on a Friday than on a Thursday or a Wednesday where all I have to do is study so then maybe he wont be tired. Whatever. I wish I had more friends. My life is so fuckin' boring. It's 3:00 p.m. and I have nothing to do and nobody to chill with. Kim is busy and wants to study, I said we can study together, she didn't seem interested. Ehh whatever. I think I will go out alone which I have become very much so accustomed to doing.... I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT!

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 02:59:34 GMT

I know I have a tendency to overreact. I can't help it. Well actually maybe I can it's just that I let my frustration or anger get the best of me. That kinda sorta did heppen today... I'm so fed up with all of the drama. It's not even drama. It doesn't even HAVE to be this way. But it is. It's like I sit abck and try and talk out 101 ways to make things better, but I feel like it's all talk. Nothing gets done. I hate to rant and rave about my personal issues, especially ones like this but I just cant help it. Why? B/c I'm upset. B/c I don't understand... b/c I feel like things aren't completely the same. I wish that I could thank you 100,000,000 times, that I could do 2x for you that of which you have done for me. I wish I could shine light to your life, the same way you've shinned it on mine, I hope to be the person for you that you have been for me. Although I trurly feel I can never live up to that standard, maybe one day I will.

It's like I've lived my life never allowing anyone to belittle me. Or at least trying not to let their words get the best of me. Now here is someone who means no harm slipping up and I feel like my heart has been torn out, stepped all over, spit on and just left to the side. Funny isn't it? How you become so vaulnerable that things which are emant to do no harm, do actaully harm you, and words even joking words make you sad when they weren't even meant to. The world is a funny place. I don't quite understand... anything. I don't know what to expect anymore, I don't know what to anticipate, how can something so beautiful ever go wrong? I hope it can't. I don't doubt other peoples abilities and devotion, but sometimes I get scared. No wait, a lot of times. It's just how I am. Sensitive, way too sensitive. I don't even know exactly where I am going with this. I just want to feel okay. I want things to be okay. I want this person to know that I am here and to forgive me for all of my wrongs, I promise to try and become a better person. Forgive me and just let it go... that's all I want.

Username

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 03:03:15 GMT

I'm in the midst of changing my username. If you care to be added let me know. This is will be a *friends*only* journal. I dont feel like going back and changing all these entries.

I just need change... guess this is a good way to start.

School/Applebees/Talking

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 02:29:59 GMT

So school ended at 5:00. It was a longgg day for me. 8-5 (with a 45 minute lunch break in between). Damnn homie. I thought the day was never going to end. In all realness. After school Asim picked me up and we went to eat at Applebees. He was especially happy. For whatever reason appetizers were 1/2 off. lol Who doesn't love a good discount? We are the couple that especially does (him moreso than me, sikkeee I love saving $ to but I think he is much more eager about it jk jk). I love him. It was okay... I guess we just brought up some old topics today I jsut hate to reflect on so I was pretty upset about that. I just get really sensitive because I mean trust me I have done my share of wrong in my past. Things I do regret, especially now that I have really found someone I love with all of my heart and now I have to sit here and recap. I hate that! But whatever, that got me sad... anyways I dont wanna talk about it. I'll update another time.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 19:58:03 GMT

Valentines Day will be on a Tuesday which means Asim will be in school all day long. Whatever. It's always been a stupid holiday [aside from the fact that my sisters birthday lands on it].

I've been feeling pretty good about things. Isn't that funny. Im usually so CrAzY and I guess change isn't something I adapt well too but this time I'm feeling much more better + more independent. Like I don't need people. It's a good feeling to be able to just rely on yourself [and those who love you] for happiness and not fee like turning to people who don't necessarily care. It's good to know that I have finally found my own happiness within myself and the only person I feel like I need to keep happy is me. I'm so proud of myself. This time it is different. Definitely not like before. I'm just doing my thing living my life, anyone who wants to hop on for the ride feel free too but if you don't that's cool too. I'm satisifed. Okay I'm out. I will update later. Just happy to say I'm finally content after all that b.s.

apology/filter/rant

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 02:03:52 GMT

First off I'm going to apologize for the last few days. I know I have been seeming very steamed and crazy and that I completely am. I've just had some rough times but now they are gone so let's move right along.

Oh question, how do I filter out certain people?

Plus I'm thinking that I'm going to filter & friends only a lot of my upcoming entries. Time for juicy stuff? Not quite sure but I think it's best if I do so. Can anyone tell me how to filter people out? Still some entries will be kept public but I just think I should go back to keeping my info on the low low [hehe].

Alright so today was much better than the past several days [thank you god]. Oh except for the fact that some ass in a jeep almost rammed his big self into my tiny car =( Seriously. Dude had his signal on so I'm thinking he is turning right and so I can turn right and get onto the main road. No, his signal was just on for decoration because as I'm making the turn and I look left to make sure no one is going to ram into me I see his big jeep in my face. My mouth drops down. I see him swing his arms. Well h-e-l-l-o there buddy, signals aren't there to just play with and turn on and off because you like the site of blinking lights. They have a purpose. Either use them for what they are good for or give me your lisence and let me cut it into pieces with a scissor. Sweet aren't I? Well I have reason to be this sarcastic. When I saw his fat jeep in my face my jaw dropped to the floor. I thought I was going to die. I then proceeded to pull over and call Asim to tell him. I needed someone to hear what just happend otherwise I know I'd analyze it and not get over it until I got home. Things like that freak me out and have me shook so I usually proceed in calling Asim so he can actually calm me down. Yep. That's the process.

On another note I'm procrastinating right now when I need to be reading up on Lyme Disease, Parasitic Infections, Pertussis and Toxic Shock Syndrome and a bunch of other crap. Blah! Me and this girl Maggie decided that during lunch every day we are going to review notes. I think tomorrow after school I'm going to ask her if she wants to stay back for a little bit [if I'm in the mood] and just go through some packets. Oh man, I really need some help on pharmacology. Like a good pharmacology review book of some sort. I'm so bad at pharm =( and I only have a few months till I'm on rotations at the hospitals. I don't have a lot of time left. Ugh.

Friday I have a hospital visit. I don't feel like it. It's like right when I get back I have an exam. Last time this happend I performed poorly on my exam because I was just too tired. I have to get a head start on my work so I can be done by Wednesday. Ahhhhhh! Everything is just piling up! Joy. Okay let me go and begin... laterrrr

I'm not stupid

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 21:35:42 GMT

Okay guess what when you update someone can check your last LJ update even if you have them filtered out. How? Well see you go to userinfo and you scroll down and click on more info and then it says the date & time when the person last updated. Now today I saw Kim last updates on the 3rd which was two days ago and just now I saw that she updated 6 hours ago. I asked her if she has been filtering me out. She denies so. But then why would LJ make up these dates? Thens he says some entries (only some) are made private. Personally I think she is lying to me. Why am I still on this? Maybe because she comes online today, I IM her and say hey. Then she asks me what's so important. Well I got irritated because I don't know why she should play like she is concerned when to me after recieving tezts from your "best friend" telling you hwo badly she needs your help any human being would probably be scared and call right away. Not with her though. She dismissed them. Anyways so then I told her that she basically doesn't have to rpetend to care and I feel like she only asks me what goes on when we run across paths. She doesn't go out of her way to find out. Moreover I don't like the way she is treating me etc etc. Tell me how she says "brb 1 min I have to go get the paper" but her sn is on for hours and she never IMs me back. I IMed her flipping out bc at that point I felt directly insulted. Like why are you ignoring me? I hate those stupid childish games man. Just talk it out. My last IM to her was basically saying have a nice life. I'm just tired. Tired of everything that has been going wrong and I'm on a mission to make things right. Make things right for myself. Make myself feel better. Surround myself with people who care, and even if that means just him so be it. I can't beg people to be caring and be a good friend. I'm tired of correcting her. I'm tired of lecturing her and chasing her. I wish she was just honest with me. I feel like she isn't and hasn't been at all. What disappoints me moreso is that with Sorabh she always had a minute for him. Even when they were friend and she admitted he was so nice to her all the time and he would just get her mad. You would take out time like that for someone who bothers you but not for the person who has tried to be a good friend to you. Has tried to be like your sister. Who was then when you got dicked over. Who talked you out fo sneaking out of your window at the oddest hours, who told you to throw away all the whore tops and whatever bc that doesn't get you any respect in this world and it's not cute. Who told you to wipe off all the makeup and be who you are, because that is better than what you were trying to be. It's nice to know... whatever. I just hate lies... and broken promises.

Bitchy mood

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 17:30:50 GMT

Arite so I'm in a fuckin bitchy ass mood. Seriously, I'm completely fed up with people. COMPLETELY. I'm so tired of being nice and doing whats right and then getting FUCKED OVER in the end. As per Kim, FUCK THAT. I needed her to talk to me for 1 and half minutes and just tell me if that intersection was where she recieved her ticket. After a number of text messages, and crazy amount of phone calls to her cell + house she doesn't bother to take out ONE MINUTE to call me back? What is this? This isn't even a friendship. I text her messages like, "This is serious please call me" and she has no goddamn concern for me. This is definitely no best-friendship over here. I don't care if she goes through one of her she is going to ignore me and avoid me bc she fucked up [again]. She feels bad whenever she does stuff like that to me and then avoids me. I swear this is it. I want to fuckin' curse her out and end it. THAT's how mad I am at her. I'm so fed up. Stop pretending like you care and acting like I matter. You're a liar. A fucking LIAR. You do what you want whenever you feel like it. You only care about yourself and your life and your problems. You have no concern for mine. No phone call on Christmas Day b/c you didn;t "feel" like it. Youre a fucking liar. Just admit it to yourself. Everything is when you want, when you're in the mood, who cares if other people need you ONLY one stupid fucking time. Who cares if I get a ticket. Who cares if I had the worst week of my life and you didn't bother to call me once, but you rejected or dismissed my phone calls each and every time I called you. This is what a best friend is? Fuck that, I don't need you.

What a week!

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 01:46:07 GMT

I know I haven't updated in a while... or read anyones entries [my apologies]. This week started out rough and ended up on a horrible note as well. Well to begin with we have group projects - Case studies. You are given a situation "Pt. comes in with palpitations, dyspnea, chest pain etc etc etc." and you have to do this BIG case presentation giving your primary diagnosis and 2 other differential disgnosis's. Not only that but you have to describe the pathophysiology, etiology, signs and symptoms, diagnostic tests etc etc for each differential. Oh plus we need to hand in a full History and Physical on this patient. Then present in front of the class + all of the professors and after your presentation you get questions from the professors (which are HARD) and you have to try and answer them on the spot. If you answer wrong, it reflects your grade. Okay so that whole thing is its own story and basically caused tension within the group and me and a big ass headache for me. Secondly I got a "Verbal Warning" which has been documented in my record for something I really shouldnt have even been in trouble for. I understand the whole situation but guess what I was basically the innocent person, trying to help other people out and I got dragged into this big ass mess. It sucks when you are trying to do something nice for other people and it winds up backfiring and you wind up getting in trouble for something you didn't even do wrong [in the grand scheme of things]. And today was just nuts. I really hope I didn't get a ticket. I was stopped at this intersection but in front of the white line and I see a flash go off. Uff. Then I call my best friend SO many times because I wanted to know if that's where she got her ticket. Can you believe it. She didn't even call me back once! I was so mad at her. I really just had one question and she didnt even bother with me. Whatever. That happend on my way to school. Then to top it off I have an exam so before the exam I'm calling my best friend basically in tears and upset and she wouldnt pick up or leave her class. I figured Im calling so much she must figure its an emergency. No. I go in for my test, have class after that, then there was an EKG review which I didn't want to stay for. I figured I'd just go home and study instead. I go to my car and my remote doesn't unlock it. I have to manually unlock it. I try and start it, it doesn't start. I call my dad + brother. We figure the remote battery died and the car can't start while the alarm is on. Okay whatever. My brother was going to come and help me out. By the time he got by me it was past 5:00. Right as I'm going to leave the classroom Farrukh and Sidra come up to me. Farrukh told me, "Hey is your car the one with the dent in the back?" <-- side note **someone hit my car 1 week after I got it and since I can't have my car in the shop for a 3-5 to get it fixed cuz I need it otherwise how will I get around I havent fixed it as of yet** --> Okay so I'm liek "Yes." He tells me, "Your lights were on before." I got soooo mad! How come you tell me 4 hours, almost 5 to be correct that my lights were on when you came in? How messed up is that? I was so sad I was about to cry. Then my brother calls me telling me he is outside. So I go and tell him. I try calling so many people to find out if they have jumper cables since my battery was dead. Nope. No one helps. And Asim was at a dentist appointment so he couldnt help me either. Basically we had to come out all teh way to long island pick up jumper cables and go back out to Queens just to give my car a jump. I called Kim 100 times in the process hoping she could be there and help me out. No. That didn't happen. I got home by 7:20 dead ass tired, too tired to do any work. I'm really upset. My back hurts. I am just happy it is ALL over and I just hope that I am not getting a stupid ticket. I will be SO dead. I swear!

Arite, thanks for hearing me out. I appreciate it. I'm outtttttt

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 17:03:35 GMT

Okay to his birthday was Wednesday and it went okay. I mean personally I was looking out for his happiness but when he told me that he wanted some of his close friends to join us for his birthday celebrations I was a bit disappointed. I wanted to give him his gift. I wanted to take him out for dinner. I wanted to surprise him with a birthday cake that we both could cut together. I wanted to spend quality time with him at the end of the day when everything was winding down. I wanted to make it special. Yes I'm selfish. It's not my fault, I just wanted him all to myself! Anyways we wound up going out to eat which was supposed to start at 6 but instead began at 7ish. We went to Portifinos and the food wasn't that great. Me and him went once before, I think it was better that time. Anyways I'm not a big fan of italian food. To me, it all taste the same. Pasta+Sause+Cheese. It's all the same. Anyways we spent a little time together before dinner and my head was killing me and it made me cranky... and he was being super silly. I love it when he acts all crazy. heh Anywho I gave him his gift which was a sweatshirt from Aero and a Kenneth Cole watch. He didn't like the watch as much as I hoped that he would but I knew that was going to happen. It's like we have different taste and I don't know. Of course he says he likes it but I know better than that. Sometimes I feel like I try so hard and he won't 100% completely like what I do. Don't get me wrong, he never complains. EVER. It's just that I'm a pleaser. I want a positive reaction when I do things for people, especially when I try to do things right. When that doesn't happen I get very hard on myself. Even if its for something stupid. Like if I make roti's and my dad says something... even if it's contructive criticism like "Turn it over now" I get really mad. I have this mentality that my way = the best way. If not for you fine, but for me its the best way. Thus when people aren't satisfied with what I do I get really mad/upset. So whatever he wasn't crazy about the watch but he tells me that it's nice. Everything I wanted to get him he steered me away from buying (later I find out bc he doesnt want me to spend that much money). Okay so whatever, hopefully for our one year I'll figure out a better gift.

Check out the Link: http://www.watchzone.com/watchzone/images/kc1179.jpg

Anddddd yeah whatever. I'll think of something better next time. =o/

Death

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 20:10:21 GMT

If we live to die what is the point of living? I really don't get it...

And all this gay shit like cancer and fucking all these diseases like HIV... makes me wonder what the point in living is. I'm not suicidal... a lot has happend to me and so I'm left with in this confused mindstate at this point in time.

When I die I wont remember what I did, if I can't remember than what is the point of being here in the first place? This whole game is a bit much. From the moment we are born, we are working towards one thing... all of us... and that is death. How fucked up is that shit.

Rotations

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 21:10:55 GMT

We had to chose our elective rotations and this is my order:

1. Heme/Onc
2. Gay/Lesbian Clinic
3. Psych

Now I only chose Gay/Lesbian clinic because it sounded different and because I'm a very open minded person and those are the type of people you need to be working in such locations. Anyways I REALLY didn't know what to chose so I randomly picked. I mean I'd like to work in OBGYN but I'm not interested in the after birth. I mean I was to deliver these children. Well whatever. I'll get picked to be put in one of those 3. Now what I found out is that if there is someone willing to allow me to do a rotation and sign all these contracts and paperwork that I know personally, preferably someone who owns their own private practice I can actually do a 5 week rotations there. I really want to do Heme/Onc and I really would love to ask the doctors at North Shore to find out if maybe they know anyone because I know if I go through North Shore it's going to be very hard. I am going to ask my mother to find out. I want a rotation in Heme/Onc pretty bad. It's depressing but I really am on a mission here!!! I want more and I am really really interested in it. I guess because my mother had cancer and all and it's just another door I'd like to open. Yes, I know I didn't do well on my Heme test but hey isn't this what its about. Plus I think I'm a better learning when I'm actually in there watching/doing things. I would love to find a physician who would allow me to do this. I really wouldddddd! The rotation site is actually in the Bronx and personally I don't want to commute to the Bronx taking highways and what not! HAHAHA Nah but seriously Im not in for some lame commute at like 3:00 a.m. arite when they have my but on call. Whatever. I'm kind of hyped. Seriously learning about all this stuff in the classroom is SO boring. I want to get out there and see it for myself. I'm tired of reading "Patient will present with unsteady gait etc etc." BORING! Hopefully I'll get to shine once I'm out there... only a few more months. I kinda can't wait!

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 17:21:40 GMT

Last night was one crazy night. I don't remember crying like that in a LONG time. LONG LONG LONG time (not counting when I found out about my mother). I swear it probably been well over 9 months since I last shed tears like that. I realized a lot last night... I really did. I believe that if you can't see the one who love crying without shedding a tear it says a lot about you. It's really hard to find compassionate people in this world. Me however, I can't dare to see my mother cry or I will get hysterical. Last night something happend and I began to cry, not just because I was sad, but because I knew he was. I believe that is love.

Religion is a touchy topic and I guess it gets to all of our hearts. I think I need to be a little more culturally sensitive... nvm I am that. I guess I need to learn how to speak because sometimes I mean one thing, but it comes out ALL wrong.

We stayed on the phone until about 3:30 a.m. Wow. We haven't done that in forever. Unfortunately the conversation wasn't all peachy but in the end I realized how much love I do have for him. I'd hate to say I cry because of attachment either, but when you finally meet that amazing guy you've only dreamt of you can't help but anticipate a future with them. I swear its like I've never met anyone like him. Anyone who is so intelligent, handsome, who knows how to do everything from building bathrooms to kick boxing, someone who is so dedicated to me but more so to us. He is the man I pray I have the priviledge to spend the rest of my life with. I hope he will be the one I will marry [before the age of 27] lol and I will have the honor to be his wife one day. I tell him that when he is done with Law School I want to get engaged, he thinks I'm crazy. When you love someone you really want to rush rush rush lol Before I used to tell myself I'm not getting married before 27/28. I guess I never found anyone I really thought I could settle down with eventually and so the longer the wait, the more time I would have to search for Mr. Right. Well now Mr. Right has entered my life I anticipate the next four years of his education speeding by so I can start hinting at what engagement ring I want. =oP Well actually I already started doing that lol. I don't know... I'm speechless... the simple thought of him leaves me this way

P.S. I am not mushy!

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 16:56:48 GMT

Is it Sakanya or Sukanya... whatever it is that is a beautiful name. I really love it.

My day is going by slow. I want to study but I'm lazy. I wont be seeing him today so I'm just going to go straight home and study some.

We had a talk abour religion yesterday. It was interesting. I really think that people are extremely narrow minded and people don't realize the goal of religion. They've incorporated ways to dress, act, and all these barriers andhonestly I think that its important but besides the main point. The point is that we all have to do what we can to reach god. Some religion promote attire, while other promote the value of donations and volunteering. Some may moreso reflect on the aspect of marriage as being important while others may differ in so many ways on such a topic. I mean look, I was talking to a friend today in class and between Catholocism and Hinduism there are similarities. Interpret things for what they mean, dont take things as they are. When you just listen to a statement like, "All children under 5 love apples" and you don't try and realize the true nature of the statement it becomes difficult to validate such a statement. If you 1 year old cousin can't chew how can all children under 5 love apples? The child cannot even bite into one. And so my point is, but dissecting things you are able to understand the truth behind things. Anyways it was amazing because a lot of what I'm about, my friend completely supported. I live my life with the mindset that who am I to tell you your religion is wrong? Who I am to argue your values and beliefs. I do believe in other religions. I belief that there is truth behind them. I do believe that there is nothing wrong with Islam, or Sikhism. I think that religion has become corrupted by human beings and that is why there has to be a right and a wrong. We make it that way. Either its right ir wrong the end. Either aborition is right or wrong. There can never be a gray area. Well guess what fuckers? There can be, and I believe there is. And moreso I believe that is anyone out there counteracts me once more I'm going to ewat there soul I mean this is ridiculous.

Look @ this, Sikhism evolved from what? It evolved from Hinduism. EVERY guru they follow is Hindu. Now originally they were Hindus as well however during time of fighting in India a group called Sikhs were put together. The put the tallest, heaveiest, strongest men together to fight (I think against the Muslims). Eventually these "warriors" (their title explain the root of their religion) gained many devotees (I guess thats an appropriate word). Women gave birth to children and said that they will make their sons Sikhs and then eventually families started proclaiming themselves to be Sikh and that established a new religion. That explains a lot doesn't it. Now tell me why some Sikhs are anti-Hindus. Your gurus were Hindu and your roots came from our relgiion. The basis of your religion is my own. Makes no sense. Anyways I just htought in their holy book it says for them to hate Muslims, makes sense now right? That is how their religion kind of was brought up, with the intentions of fighting the Muslims and so they icorporated it into their beliefs. Anyways I could go on forever about this but I'll refraine from doing so...

I'm done.

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 17:07:28 GMT

Good afternoon everybody =)

Lets see. What to rant about?

I guess lately a lot has been going on. Not so much for me but for my best friend. She left the guy she thought she could potentially have a future with but instead realized that it's all just a dream, and not all dreams come true. He claimed he wanted to change but it was just another way to keep her around. That's how I see it. And I guess she hasn't ever been in a serious relationship. The only guys she has been with have not seen her as a girl but moreso as another pussy. Except one I can think of. I guess men are full of lies [so are women] and we all just say what people want to hear. However actions speak louder than words and well, you can sugar coat things all you would like but when it comes down to it what you do has to back up what you say. Otherwise, you're a liar. I'm not trying to make Sorabh seem like this evil demon, don't get me wrong either. He just has to learn that's it better to admit to the truth rather than have people learn the hard way that he doesn't do what he says because in the end she didn't look like an ass, he did and it really didn't have to be this way. You don't just reel in a fish on your sharp hook while its still struggling for life just to throw it back into the water and let it live. Doesn't he see the damage? Now the fish is bleeding and has the potential for dying depending on a various number of factors and you've caused it a tremendous amount of pain only to free it in the end. How much sense does that make? Now after all that the fisher is the one that looks like the corrupt freak who is just straight up weird with no sense of sympathy or consideration. That was how their relationship went. I'm not saying my best friend is perfect, I'm not saying she is the most caring or considerate girl either. She has a tendency to get tied up in her life and lose track of those who care for her without even thinking of them twice. She had a tendency to get PMS-ie on him out of nowhere which could have pushed him away many times. She has her flaws, but so do I and that's what makes us human. I mean personally that whole relationship was a waste of time anyways. They faught so much. One thing I've come to realize is that raising your voice is a BIG NO NO if want a healthy relationship. I'm not saying it's not normal to fight. We all do. But to curse, and throw fits, and scream and yell... that's not cool. There is a level of maturity you really have to maintain because my mother told me this and through my own experiences I've come to realize it. The moment you start raising your voices its an oppurtunity for things to get our of control. Once things have become out of control things can't be fixed. I believe it. I really do. Maybe both people will decrease the number of outbursts and number of pointless arguments but there will always be those instances where you flip the heck out. You've already made that crazyiness apart of your relationship. It's become one piece of the puzzle, big or small, regardless once it has happend and is tolerated then it is bound to happen again... eventually. Fine maybe not if it has happend once, but if it has happend twice. My point is fighting should never get to that level and once it has it's very hard to prevent it from getting there again.

I don't know. I can't judge their relationship. I can't say what's right and wrong. I mean they way I see it some people are jsut destined to be in fucked up relationships... but if you can hlep it then why would you go consciously into one?

On another note there is some guy that likes her, either he is Paki or Muslim. I was on the phone with her and she was saying how she wouldn't go out with him. I could swear she almost validated it by saying because he is Muslim or Paki or whatever but she stopped. Then she just said "He isn't my type." That pissed me off. Look people can find a Punjabi Sik, a Punjabi Hindu, a Guju Hindu whatever! Someone of your same state and religion but that doesn't mean that you're going to be happy. If you get an arranged marriage I highly doubt that the way her parents want it she will even have the oppurtunity to really get to know the guy. You can't figure out a person in just one year. It takes time. What if he winds up being a dick? I've seen it happen. Then what? Your society doesnt believe in divorces. Whatever, this world if full of ignorant people and it pisses me off. Argh I shouldnt have ended on a bad note... =o/ It ruined my mood =(

Ugly Babies

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 17:26:25 GMT

Me and Asim have had this conversation about 100 times and I swear you all will probably hate me after reading this. I am not being mean and I just speak whatever is on my mind. You all have probably thought it at one point or another too SO DONT PLAY YOURSELF!

How in the world do you tell someone that they have an ugly baby. Look be serious, when all babies enter this world they all LOOK THE SAME. Pretty much. What makes your baby to sexy that you have to keep on telling everyone. Well, the fact that its yours doesn't make it cute. Seriously. The worst is when someone keeps on saying how cute the ugly baby is... hmm... what are you supposed to do then? No I DONT want to sit here accumulating bad karma by lying to your face and telling you that THAT thing, THAT baby is the cutest baby ever. They discussed this on Z100 A LONG time ago. Back then I thought, "Oh how rude, how can you call a baby ugly?" Then I grew up and realized "How can you call an ugly baby cute." Yes yes I know who am I to decide whether or not your sibling, son, daughter or family member is attractive. You're right, who am I? I am no one to be talking this way right. Oh well =)

I feel like Foamy writing this entry! And if you don't know Foamy guys, you are completely missing out!!

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 21:14:46 GMT

Welcome 2006! =)

So my break is pretty much over... It wasn't what I went in expected but I did manage to have some fun. I didn't go "10 days" without him which was nice. That's all I can remember him saying the last time we saw eachother before break "10 days Guria, 10 days!" lol I got to spend some extra time on the phone with him, enjoy his company a little more, and last night we had the best conversation and I'm happy we established some very important guidelines.

As far as my best friend goes. Well she came and went... that really broke my heart A LOT this break. Sometimes I feel like me and her are so so close, and other times I really feel like we are 2 worlds apart... I don't know what to expect anymore and she kind of put on in this position, I can't even explain. I'm not mad at her at all... I'm just relaly disappointed. I expected her to be my "sister" and that means always being there, through god and bad. She didn't exemplify that aspect this break and that just hurt me a lot. The thought still ligners into my mind as to how she can just speak to me so normally now, after all of that. It's weird... but it's over so I guess there is no point in reflecting back on it. What's done is done, as long as she knows what needs to change that's what matters.

I did a BUNCH of shopping. It was nice. There were tons of sales and I really got amazing deals on some items.

But tomorrow begins that repitious cycle again... ugh! This time, I hope to go in with more energy, more organization, more determination, and more support. I even got a planner! Come on! You know I'm on the right track now! Arite basically 6 more hours and vacation is over... what to do, what to do?

I'm off! Byeee

P.S. I hope you all had a happy and healthy New Year!

P.P.S. I went to the city yesterday which was fun. I'll update on it later!

It's that time again... RESOLUTIONS!

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 02:31:18 GMT

Let's see, this is all I'd like for 2006: 1. I must [and I really mean it] take out time each day to pray 2. To become even more hard working 3. Stay focused 4. Volunteer, volunteer, volunteer [it makes me feel good] 5. Sharpin up on my time management skills 6. Continue to become a better person 7. Become more insensitive [although I still don't think it's possible...] 8. Spend more time with my mother 9. Put more effort and concentration into my school work 10. Try to eat healthier And I'd like to end my last post with this little blurb by Mother Theresa that I really truely do believe in with all of my heart <3<3<3 I Truly Believe...
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Good luck in 2006 and I hope your New Year is filled with lots of fun, good luck, and happiness!

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 23:47:31 GMT

I got a haircut on Tuesday... I don't remember mentioning it... if I didn't then there ya go! lol Nah but seriously my hair dresser left me a bit upset. First I'd like to say I didn't know a trim (2 inches max) was going to turn into 3 inches. God I like long hair, I wanted to grow my hair out but my angles and my layers started to look worn out. I need a trim not a cut. Oh and he cut my bangs (I have side swept bangs) a bit much as well. I feel like a 20 year old but I swear I look like a 12 year old now. Okay maybe that's an over exaggeration but still... I don't like it.

Today he did the most amazing thing! He called me in the early afternoon telling me to look outside of my window. I argued for a second not believing that he could actually be outside but to my surprise, after the 20th time asking I finally took a look and low and behold my jaanu was sitting in his car there. We haven't gotten to see each other much and last night I was really upset and he fell asleep and I have nobody to speak to and he was feeling bad about that as well so he made a trip. A trip for only a couple of minutes just to see me! Little old me! Well he had a rose for me as well and of course I wanted to grab that. Luckily my father was on his way to work so as soon as he left I ran outside and grabbed it, smacked him in his face (it was a love tap) and ran back inside the house. I didn't even get a good look but family members were on their was home so I didn't want to take a chance. He is amazing! Simply AMAZING! Mind you he has to drive a bazillion miles because he lives that far from me, but still he made the trip just to deliver a rose and see my face for literally not even a whole minute.

He really made my day... especially after everything that has been going on I've been feeling really really alone, and the fact that my best friend has basically abandoned me has left me pretty upset but he really shinned some light on me today and brightened my day up.

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:34:02 GMT

Well today I went to the mall and met up with my pumpkin. It was nice to finally see him after one week. It's weird because ever since August 8th I've seen my baby at least 4 times a week and to go one week without him feels kinda weird and of course left me really upset. I swear getting a little taste of him today and only for a little while didn't satisfy and honestly left me missing him twice as much. He looked adorable today though! He got a haircut (finally) and he looked to clean cut and very very handsome. I love my jaanu <3

So we tried to find jeans but no luck. We found a very cute pair at the Gap but they were $50.00 (on sale) and I felt bad having him pay that much because he buys me everything but I really thought they were SO nice and I liked them a lot but whatever. Ummmm yeah and we went to Express and I bought this nice pink sweater (does everything I own have to be pink?) We also went to Aldo and he bought me this purse. It's cute... I think that he thought I didn't like it because I just wasn't in the mood for anything really but it is very cute and typically desi though! lol (If you ask me) It was sweet though, having him stand there and explain to me how much he liked the bag and how nice he thought it would look on me. =)

Tomorrow we were supposed to go and see the tree and g ice skating in the city. He also wanted to take me to this place to eat he has been talking about for a while now... but nope, I can't go tomorrow which friggin sucks and Friday he has a meeting and UGH! I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM!

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 02:28:09 GMT

I actually went to the gym today which was nice. I bought another pair of Gauchos bc I'm addicted to them. =) And he said he will buy me brown shoes from Nine West because he is the best and he spoils me endlessly!